Want Jesus as a roommate? FUCK NO!!! seems like the douchebag that would complain about the noise, the smell in the refrigerator, the bird shit on his clothes, the cobwebs in the cupboards, the pile of filth i sweep into the kitchen on occasion…Oh, you mean ME live with HIM? must i? isn’t there a kindly old drunk who could take me in instead?
“What if we take you where the lord puts on his jeans and turns beans into brine. wait, memes into mimes. wait, those are words. hey, i never realized…”
“Uh can you sorta, you know, leave me alone now?”
“Sorry, no. god’s house or the big house. what’s it gonna be, bum?”
“How long do I get to stay at the big house?”
“couple days maybe. why, what you got against the lord?”
“who is he?”
“maybe that’s why you are a bum. you don’t know him.”
“no, can’t say i do. but i know he knows me.”
“I thought that was Santa Claus?”
“Your drunk. let’s get you sober.”
“Not necessary, officer jacoffson. i am lucid as i could fucking be.”
“watch that language or i will fine you.”
“guess there goes the lord’s tithe. that’s what i am gonna have to use for the fine. and as you can see from my belongings, 10 percent of shit is, well, what would you like? want me to draw a picture for you instead? your portrait maybe? you have an ass-like face. easy to draw.”
and that is when i first saw the taser. and when i was lying there and finally able to see straight the cop ended up looking like charlie sheen. and i was thinking, goddammit, my one chance to punch charlie sheen and he’s a goddamn policeman.